Malaysian English

Many people think that the English we speak in Malaysia is copied from the Brits as they ruled our country last time. Well it isnt. The English we speak in Malaysia is Malaysian English also known as Manglish. Below are some examples.


WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hello, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY.
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kew me

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians:No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (pointing the door) can ar?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Malaysians: Don't want la...

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're
coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Malaysians: You mad, ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please ! lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shut up lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time.. Do I know you?
Malaysians: See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Malaysians: Die-lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Malaysians: Wat happen Why like that....

WHEN SOME ONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it here let me show you,
Malaysians: like that also don't know how to do!!!!

WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me
Malaysians:Celaka u

Encore

Back by popular demand.
Ive got more jokes.

Ong Tee Keat, Najib and Sami Vellu riding helicopter scouting.
Sami Vellu said: “If I throw a One Thousand Ringgit Note down there, the one who picked it up must be very happy.”
Najib said: “If I throw Two Five Hundred Ringgit Notes down there, then there would be Two very happy person.”
Ong Tee Keat said: “If I throw Ten One Hundred Ringgit Notes, then got Ten People very happy.”
Pilot mumbling: “Why not throw yourselves down there, let 21 Million people happy?”

Night, Najib went to buy supper, met up with robber on the road …
Robber holding a knife at Najib said: “Gimme all the money you have!”
Najib angrily said: “What is this attitude of yours? I am the Prime Minister leh!”
Robber: “Oh, then …… return my monies.”

One day, Prime Minister, Parliment members … and many big officials participated a meeting together, but chain reactive car accident happened, sent to hospital for emergency rescue, reporters rushed to the hospital .
A while later, doctor came out, reporters quickly asked: “Doctor! Doctor! Can the Prime Minister be saved?”
Doctor shook his head sadly and said: “Aih .. Prime Minister cannot be saved …”
Reporters asked again: “Doctor! Doctor! Can Vice Prime Minister be saved?”
Doctor shook his head sadly again and said:”Aih … also cannot be saved …”
Reporters then ask: “Then … who can be saved?”
Doctor happily said: “Malaysia is saved!”

One day Sami Vellu visits a particular asylum to check out the place, all the patients stood by the corridor loudly cheering at him.
Long live Sami Vellu! Long live Sami Vellu!
Only got one patient’s facial expression remain unchanged, not paying Sami Vellu any attention at all.
Sami Vellu saw that, asked the warden: “Why that patient did not cheer for me?”
Warden: “Because today his mental status is very normal.”

A campaigning car with Sami Vellu and his team of campaigners drove to a village to attract votes, unfortunately their car flipped on the hillside roads.
An old farmer who was working on the fields saw that, rushed to the post, but all the people in the car died.
So he dug a hole, buried a few political members.
After a few days, a police inspector handling this case found the old farmer, asked him where are the few political members, old farmer told him already buried them.
Police quickly asked: “They were dead?”
Old farmer replied: “Aye …，I saw Sami Vellu shouting out loudly that he have not died when I am burying him.
Police said: “Then how come you buried him as well?”
Old Farmer said: “You know or not? This Sami Vellu never says the truth.”

Q:Why was not Jesus born in Malaysia?
A: There was no 3 wise man to be found!

VOTE WISELY IN THE ELECTION
=======================================

While walking down the street one day a Malaysian Boleh Minister is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I have made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Yang Berhormat

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules," says St. Peter.

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in the finest batik there is. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then indulge themselves on lobsters, caviar and the most expensive food there is.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it' s time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the Yang Berhormat joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Yang Berhormat reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think Ai yam better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the Yang Berhormat. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning just like you during an election.... .. Today you voted."

There are three major races in Malaysia - Malay, Chinese and Indian.

Malays
The Malays have the political power and so they set up the party UMNO, which literally means "U Must Not Object".

Chinese
The Chinese, on the other hand, controls most of the Economy and they called their party MCA which means "Money Conquers All".

Indians
Then there are the Indians who have no say in politics or economics. They set up their party called MIC. Hence, every Parliamentary meeting the Indians would ask: "Must I Come?"

Semi Value

I found these jokes about Samy Vellu on the net


Samy Vellu on the speed of Pos Laju's delivery system :-

"BESOK KIRIM, HARI INI SAMPAI" :-)



At a TV interview, when trying to say he was ashamed, he said:

`Kemaluan saya besar'


Samy said in a ceramah:

"Kita akan bina satu jambatan untuk orang-orang kampong disini."

One pakcik asked, "Datuk, sini takde sungai, buat apa bina jambatan?"

and Samy gloriously replied,

"Kalau takde sungai, kita bina sungai!"


Samy's favorite quote on national television:

"Toll naik sikit, manyak marah saya. You ingat semua ini toll saya punya bapa punya kah!"


During the water crisis:

"semua orang diminta jangan membuang aiyerr..!"


Regarding social problems:

"..orang2 muda sekarang banyak hisap dada.."


At a blood donation campaign in Sungei Siput:

"...marilah kita semua menderma dara.."



During the height of the Al-Arqam saga, he said in a press conference,

"Saya gembira bahawa didapati tiada pemuda MIC terlibat dalam kes Arqam.."



At an opening ceremony:

"Tuan tuan dan puan puan, saudara mara, sesudah semua orang makan kenyang, sekarang kita mempersilakan Datin Paduka Rafidah Aziz naik ke pentas untuk membuka kain"




Commenting about his modesty:

"sebenarnya, kemaluan saya sangat-sangat besar"



And the best: u know why our N-S Highway concessionaire is named PLUS.

PLUS Highway = Pungut Lebih Untuk Samy



"saya berasa bangga dapat melihat pusat-pusat jururawat yang cantik-cantik.".upon opening ceremony for nursing training center



"Saya tidak setuju dan menentang sekeras2nya tuduhan PAS memanggil kami kapir ..."



Ucapan Samy Vellu sempena kepulangan angsakawan Dr. Sheikh Mudzafar,

"Kita rasa bersyukur kerana angkawasan kita yang telah MENINGGAL DUNIA selama 10 hari telah selamat DIKEBUMI."

Samy Vellu and his Stamps

When Samy Vellu completed 25 years of his role as a politician over M'sia, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He insisted the stamp to be of international quality. When the stamps were duly released, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become furious. He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter. The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Samy Vellu.

He said: "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"




-------samy vellu and space exploration

Mr Samy Vellu went for the United Nations' meeting. He represented the Malaysian Prime Minister. All nations were
discussing about space exploration by the year 2008.
Here are some of the conversations:
China Delegate : "By the year 2008, China will start their moon exploration project."
Russian Delegate : "We too, we are going to explore the moon. This time we will see to it that our cosmonauts will step on the moon."

George Bush & Clinton : "We the United States will also explore the moon for the second time."
Malaysian Delegate : "By the year 2008, Malaysia will explore the sun."

There was a long silence. Bush stood up and asked the Malaysian delegate
"Isn't it too hot to explore the sun?"
Samy Vellu (after a long silence) : "We will do it in the
evening."

-------------------- version 2

Siri lain
Samy Vellu ditemuramah tentang program angkasawan negara.

Lagi-lagi Samy
Samy: "…Bagi saya, ini semua adalah satu pembaziran atas duit rakyat.
Kita sepatutnya tidak hantar mereka ke bulan, tapi hantar mereka pergi
matahari. Barulah USA, Russia, respect sama kita…."

Penemuramah: Tapi Dato' Seri, matahari kan panas. Macam mana mau pergi
sana ?

Samy: Cit! itu pasal la u tara jadi mintri. Saya suda lebey 30 tahun
jadi mintri, saya musti ada jalan penyelesaian. Kita jangan pergi siang,
manyak panas. kita pigi malam, baru ada sujuuuuuk……



--------------------------



samy vellu and sign Language
Samy Vellu was visiting India when he fell and broke his jaw
and was unable to speak. Being the great leader that he was,
he continued his grand tour.

On the last week of his visit, the RTM crew was present for
his press conference. Although unable to speak, Samy insisted
sending a message home to his Cabinet colleagues.

Samy caught a chicken and showed it to camera. He next took
a goat, and showed it to the camera. Finally he took a bag
and displayed in front of the camera.

Dr Ling was the first to see the video clips. He said, "Samy
is telling us that India has insufficient food because he
showed us chicken and goat, and he wants Malaysia to donate
bags of rice."
The senator watched silently then said, "No lah!...what Samy
trying to say is HE IS COMING BACK!!!"

The whole Cabinet was puzzled and look to the man for
an explanation.

The Senator reasoned, "AYAM KAMBING BAG!!!"

("I am coming back!!!" in Indian accent)

Ive just entertained you for 10 minutes 
=)

The Queen Is Indian

Wondering what im talking about?
Well, the queen is indian. The whole royal family is Indian.
I have proof.

Descended from Queen Victoria. Empress Of India

They all live in the same family house together. Indian

All work in the family buisness. Indian

All have arranged marriages. Indian

All have sons, daughters no good. Indian

Children live with their parents until the are married. Indian

They are all Indian except Charles. He's African because he has BIG ears. 

This was taken from a TV show titled "The Queen Is Indian"

One With The Cows

Recently Malaysia celebrated its 52nd independce day .... with the cows. A certain group of people that "claim" to be staying in seksyen 23 were against the building of a temple there. The intelligent crowd decided to voice out their opinion by protesting . It seems it was a "peaceful" protest because no candles,flowers & cards were being carried. Although there were banners,shouting and yes a cow head. Im sure its because they forgot that its a sacred animal in the Hindu religion. Otherwise ,why would these people want to do such a thing? Arent we "1Malaysia" ? To all readers of my blog , unlike what other bloggers have wrote about this issue , im here asking a different question.

Only the cow head was brought . What happend to the rest of the body ? Maybe some rendang was made and sent to the Seksyen 23 police station? 

I hope this article did not offend any religion

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Juice Out Of It

I have experienced something new.
I have witnessed something new.

I have learned a new lesson.

What did I do?

I stared stupidity straight in the eye.

Its a whole new level of stupidity

Who's so stupid?

Well, there's this teacher. No names mentioned because it might offend certain people. She's just plain dumb. Supposed to be teaching Maths. Can't even speak English & does not know a damn thing about numbers. I mean her way of teaching was so whack. Im sure even Einstein himself wouldnt understand her. So I try to be the good student and ask her to explain it to me. Here's what happend

Chris: Teacher,teacher. I dont understan

( She walks to my table)

Teacher: What you not understand

Chris: I dont know how to get the arc for point D

Teacher: Ok. You do rest first then I will see

( Busy bisecting a 45 degree angle)

Chris: Done

Teacher: Ah. Okay. Now you do point D la.

Chris: How?

Teacher: Like that la.

(Points to the board and walks away)

=.=

Incident number two

(Walk to teachers table)

Chris: Teacher, Im not how to do this question that's why I got it wrong. Can you                         show me.

Teacher: Okay. What you want to know?

Chris: I want to know how to get the answer and how to do the working?

Teacher: Okay. Do you know what is a cube?

Chris: Yes .

Teacher: Do you know the concept of cube?

Chris: Yes .

Teacher: Are you sure?

Chris: Yes

Teacher: I think you dont know. Draw me a cube.

(I walked off)

She thinks im stupid? We learned cubes in standard 4. The question does not even have to do with a cube.

=.=

Give up with this teacher

Out of here,

Chris

Paul Blart : Mall Cop

Those who like a well-worn fat joke, or 12, may be amused by Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

All others can steer clear of the obnoxious and laugh-free antics of this overzealous, misfit security guard and his mall rat compatriots.

The last name Blart may be the funniest thing in the movie, so that's a hint as to just how bad this shopping-center saga can be. 

Blart (Kevin James) is a single dad living with his well-meaning mother (Shirley Knight) and loving daughter (Raini Rodriguez). They are kinder to him than he deserves. He's a massively annoying character. On top of being a sad sack, he is both officious and inept.

He attended the police academy, but blacked out during an all-important exercise. He has low blood sugar, which is why he always has to eat candy, a recurring joke that doesn't get any funnier with repetition.


After failing the state trooper exam repeatedly, he brings his full arsenal of law enforcement tactics to his security job at a sprawling mall. He rides around on his Segway, as if it was a police motorcycle, ostensibly keeping the peace but mostly meddling and doing busy work. 

While keeping the mall safe for shopaholics everywhere, he spots Amy (Jayma Mays) and is instantly smitten. She sells hair extensions in a kiosk, and he works hard to impress her with his knowledge of useless trivia, a gag that grows tired fast.

When a band of thieves invades the mall, takes hostages and undertakes a heist, Blart springs into action. Well, he doesn't so much spring as bumble and waddle. 

In contrast, the felonious intruders are a nimble bunch of cool customers. Some appear straight from competing in the X Games, zipping around on skateboards and bikes as they do their evil deeds. Others leap and flip so acrobatically they could be on a break from Cirque du Soleil. 

But somehow, the blubbery Blart manages to foil them all. The ringleader is a bland villain named Veck (Keir O'Donnell). 

For a movie that's essentially a 90-minute fat joke, Paul Blart: Mall Cop is surprisingly lean when it comes to laughs

3/10